Tuesday, October 30, 2007

What makes you sad?

Have you ever mourned the loss of something you never had? Something you recognized other people had and you envied, but try as you might, you would probably never have it in your life? I'm not talking about something superficial like a nice car or house or killer body, I'm talking something deeper like a relationship with a family member or close friend.
I don't think I would describe it as envy or jealousy of other people because I certainly don't begrudge anyone their happiness. I would love for everyone to be happy. I'm talking about something that's perhaps out of your control...A friendship that is taken from you without your permission...a missing piece of a relationship that will never be filled.
Take for instance my dad. My dad was around for about the first year of my life, or so I'm told. I don't ever remember him being there. I don't really remember anything in my life before about age five which is actually quite a blessing I think. Well, my dad tried on and off throughout the years to be involved in my life in his minimalistic way. He would call and have me over for a couple of hours and then return me to my grandparents' house.
We didn't really develop anything closer than that until I was married actually. He calls me fairly frequently now. He often calls to tell me his troubles and sometimes get advice. I appreciate the effort he makes to be a part of my life. I don't think he had the greatest example of a father himself growing up and he openly admits that. The point is that he's trying now, in the best way he knows how, to be in my life.
This ties back into my first question--mourning the loss of something you'll never have--because I never had a dad. I had a grandpa who served in that capacity, but that doesn't mean that I don't need a dad because I have a grandpa. It would be like saying because I have my grandma, I don't need my mom.
I have reached a point in my life where I have to recognize that I will never have a dad. I don't call my biological father dad because I don't think I ever saw him fulfill that role in my life. I don't know that the love he feels for me is that of a father for a daughter. I know that he feels closer to his other kids than me and that's fine. I don't begrudge them their relationship with him. I'm glad he got a second chance to try and be a dad.
How do you fill those holes in your heart? How do you move past that desire to make things how they should be and accept someone else's right to hurt you? How do you look at them and feel such sadness and let it go and hope for better?
I wish I could explain this to her. I wish I could make her see how she makes me feel. She doesn't even know me.


Tina said...

Wow, Audrey. I feel the pain in your words and have sympathy for you. I have no specific advice, only love. It gets really old always having to be the bigger person in a relationship. Love you, friend.

Adrienne said...

Beautiful post, I know what you mean! For me, I feel that way (the sadness) about the mistakes I've made that I can't change. I'm still so embarassed about, for instance, the person I was when we were back at the law firm - not a horrible person I don't think, I was trying to do my best, but just not a person I was proud of. Whatever the situation is, I hope things look up soon.

Lara said...

It's so hard. And there will always be those people in our lives. I do try to put myself in their shoes, but it still hurts that they aren't doing the same, you know?

No idea what your situation is, but hope it gets better.

JenW said...

i understand what you are saying, i think to some degree, audrey. i have a sister who has...what has she done? it's hard to say...ceased to be the person i knew when i was younger. and it is sad and i think about her everyday and wish there was a way that i could fix what is broken there, but i don't have enough tools, so to speak. just love, like tina said and prayer can help us fill our holes. but everyone has some hole...something. some not so ragged as others, but it still hurts.

Kelli said...

Audrey, there are many, many reasons that I have enormous amounts of respect for you. I look at the people that have been placed in your life and wonder why exactly things are the way they are.
I have always been amazed at how well you have dealt with those people. I never could have done it. But, you always do it with such grace and wisdom beyond your years.
I'm sure God has some special prize for you(for enduring so well). I'm sure he is proud of your strength and your ability to persevere. I know that we are all so proud of you, Derek, Ryanna and Owen. We are also so proud of what a wonderful mother you, fantastic wife, and great friend you are.
We love you and your family so much!!

DONNA said...

I know exactly what you're talking about!!! And, since the first time I held you in my arms, I knew there would be some point in your life that this question would come to fruition. No matter how much I tried to support you or include you or whater...I would only EVER be your Aunt. I think my best contribution was giving you three cousins. Out of the three, giving you Kelli that would be your "sister". I even let you help name her. We love you so much. No matter what life throws at you, you will always be surrounded by people that LOVE you unconditionally! You make me proud with all of your accomplishments, your right decisions, and your commitment to your own family and your religion. You're ability to carry on like it was second nature to smile or to just bow your head in silence is amazing. I know that you're crazy for your kids and your love for them makes you wonder what happened! Just know that we all love you because we can and we will!!! Trick or treat, Big Girl!!

Heather said...

Audrey, I think you are such an amazing person. It has been so neat to get to know you through your blog. Your post brought me tears. I am sorry for this deep pain and trial. It is hard to believe that we have to go through things like this.

For me, I mourn the loss of biological children that I will never have. It is more painful than anything I could have imagined. The only thing I know to do is cling to the atonement of my Savior and believe that I am needed in some different capacity. It doesn't take the pain away all-together, but it helps to know that God loves me and will guide me through anything. He isn't punishing me alhtough sometimes it feels like it. It is a slow process.. I am fighting this fight every day and probably always will to some degree.

I can only imagine how many people's lives you have touched through your experience and I hope you find the answers you need very soon. Hang in there sister.

Phil Petersen said...

Dear Audrey Petersen,

I wrote "Audrey Petersen" not to be formal but to emphasis something that makes us happy. You are sealed as part of our family and we are most delighted. Our hearts are saddened by your loss and the pain that it causes you.We can never replace the chapters in your book that have missing parts but we pray to be able to write new paragraphs and chapters and volumes of total acceptance, love, belonging and togetherness. We love you and are grateful to have you ours eternally.We strive to live worthy of such a profound and glorious goal. How grateful we are to a loving Heavenly Father whose plan make this goal attainable.
Love Phil Petersen

Devin said...

I have no way to help you. I know that we can't serve as replacements, but i hope that we can help ease the pain. Reading your blog helps to make me more determined in creating a solid family. Good luck, we're all here for you.