If Everyone Else Jumped Off a Bridge, Would You do it Too?

Two weekends ago we were watching 20/20. It was discussing the idea that there are several parents out there who are pushing their children to do more than the average child. To set a huge goal and go after it. Sounds really admirable right? Till you realize that the goals these particular sets of parents are encouraging these kids to accomplish are all goals that will put them in the record books. We're not asking a child to read 40 books over summer break or run a marathon. These parents had a 13 year old child climb Mt. Everest and a 16 year old girl sail solo around the globe. I definitely believe in pushing your child to do more, to be more, but not at the risk of your own life.

When questioned about the safety of encouraging and allowing their children to engage in this behavior, both sets of parents cited to the parenting of others saying things such as, "Other parents are waiting in line to 'supersize' their childrens' meals at McDonalds. What I'm doing is safer for his health than that." Or, "How could I stop her when she's so capable and determined?"

Great reasoning right? So, your next door neighbors might be teaching their children to play with handguns and smoke pot, so that definitely justifies another parent to use poor judgment in their own parenting techniques. In other words, if I parent just as poorly as they do, no harm done.

I'm certainly no ideal parent, but where do you draw the line? The 16 year old, Abby Sunderland, was lost in the middle of the Indian Ocean earlier this week. Do you think her parents flew out to find her? Do you think they spent one dime to help in the situation? No, other countries had to dispatch three different ships and an aircraft to locate this missing girl who was 2,000 miles away from either Africa or Australia. That irks me.

Why are we invested in trying to save this showboat (no pun intended) and her parents? They said they recognized the risks and were willing to accept them, but when it came down to it, they weren't. They were begging for help from any agency that would offer it.

It seems to be a common theme that you hear in parenting anymore. "Well, kids are going to be kids, so I just want to be aware of what they are doing." I've heard of parents encouraging their teenage children and their friends to drink in their homes, so at least, the parents know the children are safe. Seriously? When did we decide to just accept poor behavior and cater to it instead of setting up a standard and trying to achieve it. Isn't this the whole teaching abstinence in school debate all over again?

Do I think we should save every human life that we can? Certainly. But, I do believe that if you engage in purposefully dangerous behavior there should be repercussions. If I choose to speed and I'm caught I have to pay the fine. If I choose to send my 16 year old daughter into the middle of the ocean and she gets stuck--well, she's a minor and I should pay for it. I would just like to see some accountability here.

Do I blame the 16 year old? To some degree. I mean, she and her parents both kept citing back to her incredible skills--which skills they apparently didn't trust enough to leave her to her own devices for even a couple hours of losing her signal. Mostly though, her parents are to blame for this whole thing. I guess the take away message they want to send to her is--accomplish your goals, no matter what the cost to you or anyone else around you.

What He Wants Us To Be

Last week was hard.

REALLY hard.

I don't know what happened to my sweet, little three year old, but he morphed into a monster last week.

He tromped around the house as loudly as he could with his arms set in 90 degree angles and his face smooshed up into a grimace. He was angry about EVERYTHING.

No! He did not want to go to the toilet!

No! He did not want to wash his hands after he used the toilet and how dare I ask him!

No! He did not want to eat those grapes that he'd asked for!

No! He did not want to say the prayer!

All of this and it was only 7:00 am...

And on and on and on.

On Wednesday I remembered that I could drop any child under the age of 18 off at any police department or fire station and they wouldn't ask any questions.

I wondered if they would just keep him for a few hours.

The tantrums, the hands firmly pressed over each ear to block out my instructions and reprimands, the hateful yelling, it all seemed to be too much.

I had tried all of my tricks--diversion, positive feedback for good actions, calm responses to meltdowns, more one on one attention, but none of it seemed to change him or me. Did I also mention Eli was throwing up multiple times a day from Wednesday through Saturday and yuckiness wasn't just coming out of his mouth. It all felt to be too much.

I don't know what changed, but yesterday he was back to himself.

By that I mean my little boy who loves to impress me.

My little man who is sensitive to everyone in our family and reminds me that he is not just mine, but also daddy's and Ryanna's and Eli's.

My friend who tells me that he loves me when he gives me kisses and tight hugs.

My little boy who is so passionate and trying to learn who he is while dealing with the frustration of not being able to communicate what he wants in all situations.

My three year old who sees his limitless potential at being a "rock star and a dancing rock star who plays the guitar" (his words this morning about his future career) but still has to deal with living under the house rules.

I'm thrilled that he's back to being sweet. He still has meltdowns, but it's under control. The whole situation helped me to remember that I too am still a work in progress. I still throw fits when Owen gets out of control. Granted, I don't throw my fits in a physical way, but I do express my frustration at night to my husband. I bemoan my terrible day and how grating it was. But, I all the while, am being taught and instructed on patience. While I may not like it, I need it. I need to take more time to stop and enjoy what's going on around me and less time worrying about the to dos. I need to spend more time in awe of children's stories and less time checking my email. While Owen is learning exactly who he is and what he needs to do to improve, I too am going through the same process. I hope that I can be as patient with Owen as I want God and my friends and family to be with me.

The words of this song touch me and fit the situation so perfectly:

God gave us families to help us become what he wants us to be.

This is how He shares His love. For the family is of God.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Labor Day Activities

Labor Day dawns and of course everyone feels slightly sick and mostly sick and I don't want to do my exercises. So I cheat and we go on a "family walk" which means we walk a little and talk a lot to neighbors. Oh I'm definitely sweating by the end of the walk, but not because of exertion.
Why is it that my plans to rock as a parent and plan the most fun Labor Day in history--based around entertaining my kids and not entertaining me (I would be entertained by napping and venturing to Sonic)--never go as planned?
Within the first ten minutes of Labor Day dawning, my two year old has thrown three fits. I'm not exaggerating either. He has some serious bi-polar issues going on in his life right now. Plus, he has these HUGE lips he inherited from me and they are really extra good for pouting, so should I really stop that talent in action? When he isn't pouting about me asking him to do something really hard like not cough in my face, he's throwing a tantrum about how he can't perfectly kick a ball or his legs don't run fast enough. Seriously. He throws fits about how his legs don't run fast enough. What kind of a wacky perfectionist am I raising here?
We do manage the walk I mentioned, so part one of my plan is accomplished. Then, we hurriedly eat lunch to go to the dollar theatre to see Up. Only, we get there in time to be persons #1,467, 1,468, 1,469 and 1,470 in line with only one poor soul working the ticket booth. I quickly reassess and determine that we can get a Red Box movie and eat snacks at home.
The kids each pick their favorite snack--Ryanna picks popcorn and Owen picks dried fruit. Yes, dried fruit. Apparently there's some good parenting going on sometime at our home. I watch about 20 minutes of the movie and fall asleep.
Finally, we end the day by visiting Organ Stop Pizza. The kids love, love, love this place. The pizza's not Papa John's, but it's fine and the organ is really cool for the kids.
Whew, I'm ready for those kids to go to sleep! What a day.

Three Kids Elitism?

My friend, Jack (whose wife NEVER updates their blog (thought I'd get a guilt trip in there while I'm blogging--multitasking!)) sent me a really good article from the Washington Post. Yes, my friends, it has come to other people having to keep me up-to-date on what's going on in the world. How sad, but so, so true. I'm bad about current events. The article was funny because it addressed the idea of having the third child.

Given that I have been raised LDS, three kids never seemed like much to me. Not that I, myself, was raised in a big family (I have multiple step and half siblings, but never lived with any of them). However, going to church and associating with friends, big families were the typical thing--I was the anomaly. I also have never discussed the ultimate size of the family my husband and I want to end with. Since I was raised as an only child, I figured it'd be better to take it one at a time and see how my sanity was holding up.

In the article which you can access here, the author talks about how she too is expecting her third kid. Apprently, NYC is not accustomed to seeing people who can afford to raise three children. She sites the Dept. of Agriculture as saying that the average child costs $204,060 to raise to the age of 18. I have to digress again and wonder why they didn't round out that $60? Was that the Disney movies you had to buy or the popcorn at the theater you knew was too expensive, but bought anyway?

She goes on to poke a bit of fun at how we think of children nowadays and I had to think that some of it rang true:
For a couple's every conceivable wish or worry, the parenting industry knows the precise formula of guilt, fear, hope, love and desire that will empty the parental wallet. Rather than fret about spending too much money, most parents these days are consumed by the anxiety of underspending -- the fear that somewhere, some other parent is offering her baby an educational toy or child-development class that will propel the toddler ahead, and that if you skimp, your child risks losing out and falling behind.

Isn't it true that we're feeling the stress to keep our kids in the game of life? I know that getting into college is getting trickier and trickier and good grades are nowhere near going to be enough to get a child in. My mom enrolled me in a few summer activities a couple of different summers, but my family was in no way hypervigilant at pushing any one activity in hopes of leading to my college success.

However, don't we parents worry now when we think that somehow we are letting our children fall behind the "average" or "accelerated" curve? It's funny because most of us realize that if we want little Tommy to play basketball in high school, he had better start by age 4 or he'll never even have the skills to make it on the middle school "A" team.

I'm definitely digressing from the point of the article. I just thought it was absolutely outrageous when she cited the following statistic for NYC:
Once a new mom's maternity leave (if she's lucky enough to get it) is up, a nanny or quality day care is in order. In upscale urban areas and tony suburban enclaves, where luxury families are flourishing, that can translate to $800 a week for child care alone. So-called high-end nannies -- those who hail from licensed agencies and come equipped with working papers and even driver's licenses -- can cost more than $50,000 a year on the books. And to think, some deluxe families hire two. After all, how can one nanny juggle a set of twin infants and a 3-year-old, or ferry three kids under 6 to their various play dates, preschool programs and lessons?

$800 a week for child care??? That's $3,200 a month folks. I just can't imagine expending that much money for child care. The most ironic thing of all is that these families don't consider the mother staying home. It's not even on the radar. Instead, the effort is expended in finding the best nanny. I just don't get it.

And, you're not going to believe this:
Today's American children, by contrast, get an average of 70 new toys a year, yet child development experts agree that the best toys are simple playthings such as blocks, balls and figurines that a child can play with over and over, in new ways. When I was growing up, a sticker was something precious that a stationery store owner would carefully cut off a roll and sell for 25 cents. Today, a made-in-China jumbo book of 600 stickers can be bought at CVS for $6.99. Something has been lost in this ostensibly positive development.

Wow! 70 new toys a year? Think of the cost of that alone. She also cites how these parents put their children in private school and private lessons for sports and how all of that adds up. Well, no wonder they consider three children a sign of wealth and elitism. If I felt the need to buy all of those things for my child, I'd probably never even have one.

I love how she ends it though:
As for my husband and me, we hardly have unlimited resources, but we're still planning to go forth and multiply in the big city. The way we figure it, one day our children will be grateful for what we didn't give them -- and what we did for them instead.

I hope that my children know I love them 'cause I'm never getting a nanny (no matter how I beg my husband won't give in. I tell him it's for me and not the kids). I think that we worry too much about giving each child this amazing childhood and not enough on how important it is just to love them. Running through the sprinklers, coloring in a coloring book, reading a story, those are all interactive, fun activities. Not saying that providing more is bad, but don't you feel the pressure to do so?

How NOT to Parent

It seems like I get on kicks with these entries where I'm talking about similar topics in rapid succession. Maybe it's just a case where I become in tune to a certain idea or situation and then begin noticing it everywhere. It's like when you learn a new word and all of a sudden you see and hear it everywhere and you start wondering how often you had heard that same word in the past and just never recognized it.

A couple of posts ago, I talked about the need to speak kind words to children and to help them to feel safe. Today, I saw the opposite situation going on. I was in Target hanging out in the toy section with the kids when I hear this hideous, loud, screeching coming from a few rows over. I had to kind of chuckle a bit and think, "Boy, I've been there a couple of times." It's really embarassing when you're in public with your kids and they have a melt down. You are trying super hard to not come across as abusive, but at the same time trying to let your child know that his behavior is unacceptable. It's a very tricky balance I openly admit.

About a minute later, I hear the same scream coming from the same location and then I hear a voice, much too old to belong to a 2-3 year old demand, "I want that right now mom!" Well, we were done with the isle of toys we were on and so we turned the corner to the next isle. That's when I saw the 4-6 year old boy standing there with a blotchy, red face and fists clinched at his side while his mom knelt beside him telling him, "You'll have to ask for that for a gift. It's $35 and we don't have the money for that."

I've been there too, where your child wants a toy, but you don't think it's worth the money or you simply don't have the money. I don't see anything wrong with explaining to my child that everything we buy has a cost and we don't always have the money to buy everything we want. Besides that, I don't think it's healthy for children to get everything they want. We should all be told no from time to time.

This mother then told her child that he could instead pick out a ball instead of the item he wanted. Done that too! Negotiation is such a key part of parenting. Did you ever realize how many skills being a mom would utilize? Chef, driver, laundress, teacher, friend, manicurist, hair stylist, the list goes on and on.

The boy continues to let out an entirely out of control scream! It would be at that point that I would tell him that he gets absolutely nothing and we are leaving the store. What does his mom do? She continues to try and convince him to get the ball instead of the toy he wants. She even tells him she's leaving (who hasn't done that trick as well?). She does walk away and he just stands there. She walks several rows away and starts looking at other items. Do you know what he does? He screams and screams and screams. I don't know what his name is, but all I could think of was Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

You know, I think all parents should be required to watch that movie because that's where I'm driving at. Poor behavior should never be rewarded. Now, don't think that I'm saying that I'm perfect in this area because I'm not. I compromise and cave in from time to time. But, do you know what that teaches a child? Every time mom or dad won't give me what I want, I'm going to throw a fit until they do. If my first fit doesn't work, I'll throw a bigger fit.

Seriously, it's the biggest turn off to me to see a child throwing a tantrum and to see a parent begging the child to stop and offering rewards for just being quiet. Is there no standard of expectation? Shouldn't the expectation be that the child can be good mannered and from time to time earn a reward? When did we as parents begin to believe that the standard was that our children are going to throw fits or disobey and that we are going to promise them anything they want just to do the basics we would expect them to do?

Honestly, what do you see in this kid's future? I'll tell you what I predict--an out of control kid that becomes a demanding teenager that gets into a lot of trouble because he was never expected to obey his parents. His mom can't figure out what went wrong, she always bought her child everything he ever wanted and showed him so much love even when he misbehaved. What went wrong?

Please remember, I am not saying that I don't fall short of this ideal too. However, my children know that I expect good behavior from them. They know that I am impressed when they are well behaved and disappointed when they are disobedient. I do believe in feeling sympathy for parents who are having bad days, but I absolutely don't believe we should reward fit throwing. Back in my day it would've been a swat on the butt and no apologies to anyone. Now, we seem to be begging our children to be our friends. How 'bout we just watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and remember that naughty children often (not always) come from poor parenting choices.

How do you teach this?

Ryanna had her third violin concert in her life Saturday. I was really excited for her because she has progressed so much in her abilities the last couple of months. We took the summer off because her teacher was gone and we were terrible about practicing...pretty much didn't practice to be honest, but boy did we have good intentions. I didn't know how it would be starting up again this August and I have been pleasantly surprised by her improvements in so many areas--bow hold, fingering, speed, etc. There is a lot to think about when you play a violin.

I signed her up to do this concert at one of the group lessons she takes every other Saturday. They have children of all ages and abilities that perform. Ryanna's teacher, Mrs. Bowling, had decided that it would be good for Ryanna to play the theme to Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. I agreed, she had really grasped the song well. Seriously, she's been able to play this song without any errors for several weeks. I was really excited about the concert.

A brief history about Ryanna's violin concerts...She was always a bit shaky on the songs she was going to perform before the past two recitals. I never knew how she would do. I was always excited and anxious for her. She apparently has the ability to rise to the occassion and do well. With this history in mind, I knew she was going to rock this concert. She was so prepared.

Imagine my surprise when she got lost playing her song on Saturday. Here she was the first performer (she always is because she's always the youngest person playing the easiest song) and she started the song beautifully. I was really pleased and all of a sudden, she forgot to repeat the middle section. Oh no! I was worried for only a split second because not only does she rise to the challenge of these pressure filled events, but she is very good at finding her place in the music if she misses a note.

Well, this time she didn't. She wasn't able to find that note right away like she's so talented at doing. She wasn't able to act as though she slightly missed it. She got lost. She did eventually pick up with her teacher and finish the performance. She bowed...(I love her bows) and everyone clapped of course.

Honestly, I felt badly for her. She KNOWS this song better than any other song she's ever done before. We've practiced this song over and over. Not to the point where it's obnoxious because she knows it so well there has been no need. I couldn't help but wish it had been perfect. I wanted her to shine on her special day. Her grandma drove down from Colorado and we even had some good friends, Jack & Annie & their little girl, come and watch.

After the performance she went and sat down to finish listening to all the other performers. She didn't cry or seem distressed at all. After the concert finished, she came up to me and I told her good job, but I couldn't help but ask her what had happened. She didn't seem to know exactly herself.

We went to get gelatto afterward and had a good time as a family celebrating her performance. She had done the best she could after all.

I just wonder, how do you teach your child to strive for their best and be slightly disappointed that they didn't reach it and want to do even better next time? How do you do it without making them feel like they aren't good enough? How do you let them know that they are so perfect to you in every way, but you want them to reach their full potential, but not heap so much pressure on them that they always feel inadequate?

I struggle with this because I know I have felt this way. I know my potential in different areas and I know that I'm not reaching it all the time. I remember as a child wanting to please eveyone so badly and feeling their disappointment when I wasn't reaching expectations. Honestly, it definitely helped me to excel, but is it good? I don't want to be one of those parents you hear about who are vicariously living their lives through their children. You know those parents on the bleachers who are freaking out about their child missing the shot or the goal or the pass opportunity. That's not me. I want to be encouraging without demanding. I want my child to want for herself to achieve.

When Ryanna and I did a lesson today, we warmed up playing the first four variations that she knows. Then I said, "How about we do the theme now and I'll go get the camera and we can record it?" She said, "Yeah, 'cause I didn't play it right yesterday." My heart kind of sunk when she said that because I wondered, "Did she say that because she recognized it herself or because she could feel my disappointment?"

I realize that I'm imperfect as a parent and I hope that my child can look back and forgive my imperfections as I know I've certainly had to do for my parents. I just want so badly to be a better parent. Isn't that what we all want? To be better than the previous generation? To reach our potential...to feel like we might not have been perfect, but no one could fault us for trying? I think about this all the time. I worry that through my thoughtless words and actions, spoken or performed in haste, I may damage the relationship I have with my children or cause them to lose confidence and trust in me.

I am so proud of her. She is such an amazing child. My gosh, she's playing the violin at four years old!!! I could've never done what she's doing at her age. She's such a great sister to Owen, helper for me, friend to so many. I love her to pieces and I am so proud of my little girl. I hope that she can continue to teach me to be a better parent and remember that we're all works in progress.

(Here is the song from this afternoon. She starts to play the wrong note and catches herself and corrects it. The camera goes crazy a couple of times because I am holding Owen and he was batting the camera. Note: you'll need to turn off the music on the Pumpkin Patch slide show to hear this correctly. If you can't figure out how to do that, you can also view this at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXfu1_Qy7oE)