I Should Be Grateful, But...

1. I should be grateful that my boys let me do my hour of exercise, BUT it's still irritating to find green crayon scribbled on two different couches.
2. I should be grateful that Eli stopped coloring when I noticed he had a crayon, BUT did he have to be coloring in a library book?
3. I should be grateful that De-Solv-It takes crayon and pencil off of walls, BUT why do I have pencil marks taller than my 1 year old can reach?
4. I should be grateful that the crayon marks washed right off of my couch pillows, BUT did the pillow covering have to rip and leave filling throughout my entire load of laundry?
5. I should be grateful that my washing machine didn't flood my laundry room, BUT where did that water on the floor come from anyway?
6. I should be grateful that all of this happened within two hours this morning, BUT did it have to happen at all?
However, my day is not a complete loss--thank you Children's Place $2.99 sale. And, to keep it all in perspective, I was watching this video yesterday and it got me all teary. Sure, I had a rough morning, but my life is soooo easy in comparison to hers.
I've been thinking about where I am in my life right now--a lot lately. Am I being the kind of mother, daughter, wife and friend I want to be? Am I appreciating all of the sweet moments that being a young parent brings or merely dwelling on the challenges (like my 1-6 above)?
I look at my daughter who started 2nd grade a few weeks ago and think that in only a matter of months from now, she'll be old enough to decide if she wants to make a life long commitment to join the church. How quickly that time has gone.

I look at my baby who is nearing is second birthday and realize that Owen was almost the same age that Eli is now, when Eli was born--yet, I feel like Eli is still my baby.

Life is flying by and am I really appreciating it for all it's worth? Some days yes, some days not as much as I should.
However, I am grateful for all that God has blessed me with. So, the rough mornings will come, but really, I live a pretty charmed life.

The Prize Winner From Defiance, Ohio

Last night we watched The Prize Winner From Defiance, Ohio. A random selection from the library. It ended up reminding me of how many qualities or lack thereof that I would love to improve or change in myself.

The mother, Evelyn Ryan, raised 10 kids by winning competitions during the 1950s for writing lyrics or jingles for different brands. She was married and a lot of the movie focused on the relationship between her and her husband. He was an alcoholic who really loved his family, but couldn't get over his addiction enough to ever help his family to have what they needed. His heart was mostly in the right spot, but his flesh was weak as the saying goes.

What stood out to me was Evelyn's attitude. Here she is married to an alcoholic who spends money on his liquor before thinking of his own children or wife, yet she continually tries to show him love. In one contest she wins a timed trip through the supermarket which allows her to fill up one cart full of items. She asks each child what they want and even when her husband feels silly about the whole thing, she finally gets out of him what his request would be. Given that she's got a family of 12 to consider, this trip would be a great opportunity to fill her cart with necessities--hamburger, beans, etc. But, she uses the experience for more than that and fills the cart with items that they've never tried because they've never been able to afford them. Even though the kids don't necessarily even like the items she brings home, she still provides them with an opportunity to experience something new.

At home, as they are all trying out the various new foods, her husband is angry--who knows why, it appears that he's jealous of her success--and throws out a bunch of the expensive food she wins while everyone is celebrating with her. It is a perfect opportunity for her to be angry and feel slighted. A great chance to yell at him and justify how at least she provides something for her kids to eat while he only thinks of himself. But what does she do? She ignores his outburst and instead goes and gets him the item he requested as a special treat and graciously and lovingly hands it to him telling him to enjoy his dinner.

How often am I turning the other cheek when I feel slighted? How often am I looking at mistakes my children or others make that interfere with my schedule and shrugging them off because we all make mistakes after all.

I find it amusing and frustrating all at the same time when Owen throws a fit about a situation not working out how he's pictured it in his mind, yet don't I show a little bit of the same emotions when I get impatient with someone else? Aren't I just as much a child in my progression when I envy someone else's talents, but not take into account the discipline and dedication involved in the pursuit of that accomplishment? How often, in an argument, do I try to justify my own actions and point out faults on someone else's part, instead of turning the other cheek? How wonderful is my ability to notice detail if I only use it to criticize negatively?

I love these movies and I hate them all at the same time. I really want to have this woman's can do, patient attitude, but yet I find myself being frustrated and upset over inconsequential things. I tried really hard to be sweet and slow to anger for at least the first half of the day and then I got tired and my kids were being really loud and I yelled. Would Evelyn have done that? Probably not, but I did. Here I am raising three kids and I can't make it a single day while she happily raised ten kids with an alcoholic husband.

I'm not naive enough to believe she was infallible, but it does cause me to sit back and question my own person and how much I need to work on. It also causes me to feel extremely grateful. I have a husband who is reliable and cares for my needs. I have friends that I get to visit because I have time. I have a wonderful life that is much easier than Evelyn's, so I need to step it up and appreciate what I have.

Marley & Me

We watched this movie last night after hearing from a friend that it was a cute movie. There's a lot more to this movie than a crazy dog. In fact, it made me think about my own life as a good movie should do. Warning--there are some spoiler details in here--but you should read my post anyway, just 'cause you love me and you need to see the movie too!

Jennifer Aniston's character is a journalist just like her husband. After some time married, they decide they want to have a child. As they excitedly go in for their first ultra-sound, they discover that she has had a miscarriage. You can see how devastated she is by the experience and how her husband is at such a loss to comfort her. When I had my miscarriage, I was devastated as well. Devastated at the loss of the baby, devastated that my nicely planned life wasn't working out, devastated by my own body's betrayal. It's such a hard situation. I could see Derek's relation to Owen Wilson's character (Jon) as well in that he would give anything to comfort his wife, but there is nothing but love and time that can heal that wound.

Then, Jennifer Aniston's (whose name is the movie is also Jen) does get pregnant--twice--and she's trying to deal with two small children and a crazy dog. Boy, I related to that as well. Although I'm dealing with three small kids and a bunny. Same difference. Jon's typical homecoming is an exasperated wife, a messy house and a crazy dog. He tries to jump right in and help, but his wife has just had it and sometimes they end up arguing. Believe it or not, that wife sounds just like me on some bad days and that husband sounds just like Derek as well. Aren't both spouses really trying to do their best and hold it together while operating with little sleep and not knowing if they can mentally handle everything that's in front of them?

Then there was the other story line of Jon's best friend who never commits to anything but his career. He lives this glamourous life of women and travel moving from one thing to the next. Jon envies his friend's talent, but eventually the decision of family over career causes them to drift apart. Once again, this movie presents a great dilema. Some people who are our closest friends will make choices and value different options than we do. Eventually, some of these choices will cause our lives to go separate places. The movie allowed the friendship to remain, but the closeness disappears. Every relationship takes work--not just marriage, not just familial ties, friendships need nurturing or they die as well. And more than that, the movie really tried to show how you can still envy someone else's life, but in the end realize that you ended up with more even though you originally may have wanted someone else's set of circumstances.

There's a dialog by Jen in the movie that I can't quote exactly, but it really touched me. She talked about how she had made the choice to stay home and give up her career because she didn't want to miss her kids and she knew she was only doing each job half way. She goes on to say that though she chose to stay home, it didn't mean that the choice was easy or that she didn't feel the loss of herself, but that in the end, the sacrifice was worth it because life had given her more than she had planned.

Don't we stay at home mom's feel that? I chose to stay at home. I chose to not go to law school because more than anything, I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to be available for my kids. I wanted a family more than I wanted a career. There are certainly days where I think my husband has the by far easier job than me. But, I chose this and in every way I have been blessed and rewarded more than I anticipated and definitely more than I deserved.

Benjamin Button--my life thoughts

My husband took me to the movies last weekend. As you can guess from the title, we saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. For those of you literary types, you can easily access this very short book on the internet free of charge--but the movie doesn't follow the book in the least.
I really like movies that make me think about my own mortality. In Benjamin's case, he was going through life backwards--physically that is. Though I certainly can't relate to that--except for those darn gray hairs that have popped up in the last couple years and seem to be multiplying rather quickly. I'm much too young to have gray hair right? (I seem to sidetrack much too often when I write...)
Some of the ideas in the movie really hit home to me though. The idea that there are some people who you know for such a short time, but have such a profound impact on your life. I can remember my first piano teacher and her wiry hair. She really inspired me to love the piano--not enough to practice regularly, but still. Sadly, she moved away after a year and my second teacher simply frustrated me and I quit. Both women, though involved in my life only briefly, had major impact.
I recently signed up on Facebook--as most of you know who are now my "friends." I have been seeing photos and getting caught up with several people who I knew only through middle school through high school graduation. Though that seems like a rather lengthy period of time--in the grand scheme of things, it really isn't. I've already been married longer than I knew those people I graduated with.
Since having three children, I have really struggled and still do struggle with finding some sort of a balance with my children, my husband, my faith and even myself. There are so many good things I would like to do with my family and for myself, but I'm having a hard time finding any time. It feels a lot like my expectations for the Christmas holiday only strung out for who knows how long...
The movie helped to remind me that my children are only this tiny age for such a short time. Too soon I'm sure they won't value my opinion over their friends. Too soon they won't want to show me all of their school projects. Too soon they won't say cute, funny little things. My house will be dirty forever, but my kids won't be tiny that long. These valuable relationships that we treasure, we have them on this earth for such a short time, but our impact on each other can be incredibly profound--both for good and bad.
This life really is such a short journey. There are so many good options and opportunities. I hope that I am picking the right ones. I hope that I'm utilizing this brief time for all it's worth.

Finding the Time

This holiday season, in fact all holiday seasons since I had children, has been hectic. I always enter the month of December with so much expectation and excitement. I want to do the 12 days of Christmas for someone, I want to make homemade treats and deliver them to all my friends, I want to make homemade gifts for loved ones, I want to go see the lights at the temple, I want to do a cookie exchange, I want to send out Christmas cards, I want to put up the tree with my family while Christmas music plays in the background, I want to help my children understand the true meaning of Christmas, I want to make homemade crafts with my children, I want to help my daughter learn to play her Christmas song perfectly, I want to make sure Owen gets more opportunity to be included in the events of the season while not ignoring the baby either. I'm sure there's more that has escaped my mind or I've repressed in order to survive.
Some of these things got done, others didn't or haven't yet (there are still some days left). The problem I'm finding is time. I want to do all of these good things--I really do. The predicament is doing these things with kindness in my heart and patience for those around me--more specifically my children.
Perhaps I'm the only person with this flaw, but I'm willing to confess it--I am not patient. I get irritated when I can't get everything done that I have on my list to do. I am all about lists. I can't sleep without them--literally. I wake-up in the night and just lie there until I've written it down and mapped out a plan of action. Sick, sick, sick.
In all of my desire to bring a little bit of joy to those around me, I often feel like I'm bringing no joy to my own children. I lose patience for Ryanna's million questions and slow processes, I lose patience for Owen's messes and his ignoring me, I beg Eli to hold off from receiving attention/food/whatever so I can just get "one more thing done!"
All of this leads me to my resolutions for next year. Gaining patience would be the obvious goal. Yes and no. I'm not naive enough to believe I'm going to reach that goal in one year let alone one life, but I can do something about making better time for my children. I want to do more one on one activities with them. The obvious connection between that and patience is not readily visible. Dealing with three children at one time has been quite a new and trying experience for me. However, one child at a time is not only more manageable, it's even fun.
Last night Ryanna and I took a cookie making class together. I signed us up for it a couple of weeks ago. I was under the assumption that we would be making the cookies together--which didn't actually happen--but we still had an hour and a half of time with just the two of us. It was fun to learn some new things and just have her by my side. There is such joy in spending time with your child when really can let yourself unwind.
So, my goal for this next year--one of them and perhaps the most important one--is to make more quality time for our little family. Our lives already feel so busy and I know it'll only get more crazy, but I truly believe that the most important days are these--while my kids are young. I need to use this time being a good mom. I just don't want to look back at this time and wish I'd spent it gaining close relationships instead of to-doing every day. It's going to be tricky no doubt, but it is definitely a worthwhile goal.

Was it really all that bad?

This last weekend our stake held a 50s dance. I was hesitant to go because I'm not really much of a dancer (in public that is--I shake my groove thang in the privacy of my own house thank you very much). We did go and it was actually a lot of fun. We didn't dance a single song, but hung out with the other wallflowers and chatted.

Then, today I received a forward titled "The Good Wife's Guide" which was published in Housekeeping Monthly May 13, 1955. I'm sure you've all seen this before. It shows a woman cooking at a stove with her husband just arrived home from work and features such advice as:

• Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people.


• Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and it is one of your duties to provide it.


• Be happy to see him.


• Listen to him. You may have important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first--remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.


• Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.


• Arrange his pillow and offer to take his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.


• A good wife always knows her place.

This is in no way the entire list, but you can view it here. I realize some of these terms are a bit archaic and some of the practices antiquated (although I'm certainly no fashionista--maybe there are a bevy of you out there sporting beautiful bows in your hair--who am I to judge you?).
Usually my first reaction to stuff like this is, "Puh-leez. (That's "please" for those of you who don't spell in jive.) I have had a terrible, much worse and trying day than my husband. If anyone should be performing the aforementioned tasks, I would think he should be helping me to relax!" And, I'm sure there are days where that is true, but I have to wonder back to the date of publication for this text--1950s.
No, I wasn't around, but I've seen photos and movies from that era. I heard the average man only worked 40 hours a week. Do you believe it? I've heard most women thought it was a noble profession to be at home with their children to nuture and love them. There was no obesity epidemic raging through the US because people were eating fast food and other fatty treats instead of healthy meals. It was a big deal to be "going steady" with your high school sweetheart. The songs on the radio spoke of an innocent and tender love instead of treating women like objects and talking of intimacy with no boundaries.
You know, we think we've come so far, but have we really? In some ways we have, but certainly in other ways our ideas of progress have not benefitted anyone. This article for instance, we like to look at it and laugh and think, "Oh brother. As if a woman should HAVE to do that for her husband these days." Isn't that where our thinking has strayed? The idea that there is an obligation instead of a willingness to love our spouse. I can't tell you how many emails I've received that make fun of men and show the obvious superior intelligence of women. Sometimes I do chuckle, but more often than not lately, I've begun to try and change my view and think, "How would I feel if this was a foward my husband had received about how stupid I was as a woman?" Not so funny then.
I'm not one to say we women need to stay in the kitchen and keep our mouths shut and live in the shadows of our spouses. On the contrary, a good husband will allow his wife to shine because he doesn't feel threatened or intimidated by her in the least. At least that's how my husband makes me feel. I have my talents and he has his and together we're so much better than we could ever be separately.
So, next time I think how hard my day has been or how much more I do around the house than he does or how unfair it is that he gets to leave this difficult business of caring for the children to me, I'm going to try and remember this quote that I need to remind myself of more often:
"I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion.
Selfishness so often is the basis of money problems, which are a very serious and real factor affecting the stability of family life. Selfishness is at the root of adultery, the breaking of solemn and sacred covenants to satisfy selfish lust. Selfishness is the antithesis of love. It is a cankering expression of greed. It destroys self-discipline. It obliterates loyalty. It tears up sacred covenants. It afflicts both men and women.
Too many who come to marriage have been coddled and spoiled and somehow led to feel that everything must be precisely right at all times, that life is a series of entertainments, that appetites are to be satisfied without regard to principle. How tragic the consequences of such hollow and unreasonable thinking!" Gordon B. Hinckley, May 1991

Artists in Train-ing

Thursday, I was headed to the store to get some groceries for the weekend. I came to a railroad track and all of a sudden the bars go down the lights start flashing red indicating that we will have to stop and wait for the train. I usually hate this whole procedure because instead of coming up to the tracks just as the train is going to start his crossing, I happen upon it in the middle and I'm usually in a rush thinking, "How long is this going to take?"

Well, it was actually quite neat to behold the power of the train as it blew its whistle three times and rushed across the tracks with such power. This particular train was hauling box cars full of cars and trucks. I couldn't help but notice all of the graffiti on the sides of most of the train cars. Words that really didn't mean anything to me, but were obviously important enough to someone, in some location to record them to be displayed across the US.

My first reaction to something like that is generally disgust, "I can't believe that these punks would deface this train. It's not their property, it'll cost money to clean it off, etc." Then I started to admire some of the art work and the talent it must've taken to write something in bubble letters (you remember that from junior high--we all had a girlfriend that was talented at this type of writing) with shading and blending as the letters grew into words. I don't know that they ever do clean off the graffiti that makes its way onto the sides of these trains.

My thoughts then went in a different direction, "I wouldn't even know where to go to find a parked train and write on it." I have only been to one train "station" to pick-up my cousin. It was seriously scary and I sat in my locked car and hoped that she had made it without incident. Funny, how I still think about train robberies and wild west happenings in these modern days. The fact is that this "station" was merely a plexiglass booth which had also been vandalized.

Now, I'm not one to condone defacement of property. Trust me, if someone wrote on the side of my car, I'd be irate, but I have to wonder about the culture of those who do this sort of thing. Perhaps we should have surveliance cameras around and start figuring out who these kids are and if they could offer something positive to the world instead of destroying property.

Think about it. The NBA & NFL are full of men who, without their incredible athletic prowess, would often find themselves living in low income housing without any chance of attending college. Because of their ability with a ball, they have college educations (not always completed, but they were able to go!) and money beyond their wildest dreams. What if we were to round up some of these train painters and send them to art schools and expose them to interpretation of various art periods and teach them technique? How would we change lives? How would we improve their situations?

I don't know, it's really not a pratical solution, but I just wonder. I grew up in a house where I never had to worry about feeling safe or well fed or clothed. My kids are growing up the same way. I always used to think, "Why don't people just save their money and apply themselves? There are scholarships and opportunities out there for each of us." I don't think I'm that idealistic anymore. I do think that hard work will always open doors, but I don't think we're all coming from the same playing field. What about those who grow up abused, neglected, raising their own siblings because of absentee parents, homes where there is no food or books or love?

I recently read "Nickel and Dimed on (not) getting by in America" and it was really eye-opening to me. The author, who grew up middle class, decided to leave her current situation and live as a minimum wage worker in various locations across the US. She admits that she could never truly know what it's like because she chose to do this where the people who live it day to day don't know any different. However, it was interesting to see how this class have to get by. Many live in hotels where their daily charge is an exorbitant fee. You would think--get an apartment and save lots of money of course! But, what if you can't save up to put down a deposit because you're already paying this huge amount to live where you're currently living? What about taking time off? You can't because you have to work to have the money for rent. What if you get sick? You can't see a doctor because that too would involve taking time off to get to a doctor and whom you can't afford anyway. A very sad cycle. Very informative as well.

For me, it's important to remember, that I don't know everything about a situation. I don't know motivations and backgrounds which all play into making a person choose the way they did. I can only offer my own support and help and be grateful I come from a strong family myself.

Always paying attention

The other day Derek was entertaining Ryanna by playing with her MagnaDoodle. It's one of those magnetic boards that you can draw on with the little, attached pencil (a little like an Etch-a-sketch?). So, after a while of drawing, she says to Derek, "Let's play a little game." Derek agreed and Ryanna outlined the rules of the game, "Dad, you're going to draw whatever thing you think is my favorite thing and I have to guess what it is. Then, I'll draw your favorite thing." She had Derek go first.

I have to admit, if she posed this game to me, I'd probably draw her dolls or maybe some chocolate or ice cream or something. Derek drew a horse I believe. She guessed and he handed over the pencil to her.

Now, what do you think she drew? You'll never guess this one. She drew a picture of me! She said, "I know mom is your favorite thing dad." I can hear you all saying, "ahhhhh," just like I did.

And all I can hope is that she would draw Derek for me and not a piece of chocolate...