Feeling our Hearts

Last week I went out somewhere for awhile. When I came back, Ryanna was really excited to show me the note she had made. She is very into the idea of writing notes to people and is constantly coloring pictures or writing little notes to send to people. I have never actually mailed any of her stuff unless it was going to be part of a card or letter I was planning on sending anyway. I figured she'd whip out a picture she had colored while I was gone or show me a page with a bunch of random words she had written.
Well, I was partly right. The page she showed me did have some nonsense words on it, but what she said really touched me. She said, "Look mom. I made this because I wanted you to feel my heart."
I remember doing a similar thing when I was young. I used to write little notes to my grandparents and leave them on their pillows. I thought that they would really appreciate knowing that I loved them. They never did say anything about them, I hope they actually found them.
Nowadays, it seems that people in general, spend more time hiding or guarding their hearts instead of wanting others to "feel their hearts." It's a bit sad that as we grow up, we learn that people aren't always going to respect or love us and so we have to protect ourselves from pain. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could each love one another enough to allow us all to "show our hearts" to everyone without worry? Ryanna had no fear that I would unconditionally love her writing and her artistic efforts. She knows that I think she's fabulous. She knows I'm incredibly proud of who she is.
What a blessing it is to have a husband and children that let me "show them my heart." I never worry about anything I say or do around them. Do I say or do things I regret to them? All the time, but I know that they will always forgive me and our relationship will continue without blemish. What a wonderful idea it is that we can have a family that allows us to be completely open with each of our hearts.

Friends, Food, Fun

Do you remember hearing this slogan a while back? (see title) I think that it hits the nail on the head so to speak.
Honestly, yesterday I was having a crummy day as per my post. Don't we all have those days where we deeply ponder the unfairnesses that life has presented us and worry that it will never be right? I get in those funks sometimes...luckily for me, I have a wonderful husband who is so much wiser than I am. I also have such wonderful family members (Kell & Don) who take the time to tell me they love me and appreciate me. I'm sorry I posted when I was having a down moment, I hope you won't all think I'm ridiculous. Thanks for your support though, it really lifted my spirits.
Last week some of my girlfriends and I got together to do a craft project. One of my closest friends, Alacey, is incredibly creative and talented and so she volunteered to help us do a fun fall project. We tried for several weeks to establish a night we could all get together sans kids to make it happen. We literally could not find one single night that all of us women could meet. Finally, we decided to do it with the kids around.
It was chaotic, it took longer than it would've taken without the kids, my house was a mess, but more than any of those things--it was fun. After we had finished our little projects, we all started feeling the munchies. Alacey said, "I think we should go to Barro's for lunch." She didn't have to say it twice and we had all grabbed our kids and were out the door. For those of you not familiar with Barro's--it's a local pizza chain that has a kids' area with a huge TV which plays Disney movies, a play kitchen with tons of food items (even milk cartons that look real--huh Jen?) and a little house and car to play with. Oh yeah, the pizza is delicious too.
After we had devoured the pizza and we were rounding up the kids to head home, I had such a content feeling. Friendships do that don't they? A good chat with a close friend is akin to a good accomplishment--you just feel so satisfied when you've taken the time to do it well.
Today I had a group of girlfriends and their kids over again. It too brightened my spirits. It's just so nice to forget yourself for awhile and just play with friends. It's also refreshing to have a good night's sleep. Amazing how waking up in the morning and thinking about the blank slate of a new day will help you to keep your issues in perspective.
Though I may not have everything I need, or I think I need, I do have so much more than most. I have wonderful friends and I am grateful for them.

What makes you sad?

Have you ever mourned the loss of something you never had? Something you recognized other people had and you envied, but try as you might, you would probably never have it in your life? I'm not talking about something superficial like a nice car or house or killer body, I'm talking something deeper like a relationship with a family member or close friend.
I don't think I would describe it as envy or jealousy of other people because I certainly don't begrudge anyone their happiness. I would love for everyone to be happy. I'm talking about something that's perhaps out of your control...A friendship that is taken from you without your permission...a missing piece of a relationship that will never be filled.
Take for instance my dad. My dad was around for about the first year of my life, or so I'm told. I don't ever remember him being there. I don't really remember anything in my life before about age five which is actually quite a blessing I think. Well, my dad tried on and off throughout the years to be involved in my life in his minimalistic way. He would call and have me over for a couple of hours and then return me to my grandparents' house.
We didn't really develop anything closer than that until I was married actually. He calls me fairly frequently now. He often calls to tell me his troubles and sometimes get advice. I appreciate the effort he makes to be a part of my life. I don't think he had the greatest example of a father himself growing up and he openly admits that. The point is that he's trying now, in the best way he knows how, to be in my life.
This ties back into my first question--mourning the loss of something you'll never have--because I never had a dad. I had a grandpa who served in that capacity, but that doesn't mean that I don't need a dad because I have a grandpa. It would be like saying because I have my grandma, I don't need my mom.
I have reached a point in my life where I have to recognize that I will never have a dad. I don't call my biological father dad because I don't think I ever saw him fulfill that role in my life. I don't know that the love he feels for me is that of a father for a daughter. I know that he feels closer to his other kids than me and that's fine. I don't begrudge them their relationship with him. I'm glad he got a second chance to try and be a dad.
How do you fill those holes in your heart? How do you move past that desire to make things how they should be and accept someone else's right to hurt you? How do you look at them and feel such sadness and let it go and hope for better?
I wish I could explain this to her. I wish I could make her see how she makes me feel. She doesn't even know me.