Owen the Soccer Mobster

In a rare and never before published interview, this reporter gets inside the head of the star player for the Gilbert Thunder Soccer Team.


Reporter: Owen how has being on this team changed your perception of the game of soccer?


Owen: You know, it used to be so innocent. Me and my dad would kick the ball around in our backyard. It was good times. Life was so uncomplicated, but the field, that's different. Those kids are trying to take the ball away from me!


Reporter: So, when everyone comes to the center of the field to kick the ball, how do you get in the zone?


Owen: Well, I enjoy kicking the ball and then standing there frozen in my kicking stance. Why would I chase after the ball? I'm a star not a rookie. I've proven myself at my "home" field.


Reporter: And what about your critics who say you play a dirty game finding kids who are shorter than you (there are actually kids shorter than him), and pushing them or shaking your fist in their faces? (All of this did occur.)


Owen: I guess those kids should know that I came to kick the ball and if they are going to attempt to kick the ball too, they are going to have to pay.


So, the verdict is left to the people. Is Owen merely the shortest bully you've ever seen on a soccer field or is he pure, uncontrolled talent? His shorts may touch his ankles and his x-small shirt may be large enough to fit his older sister, but he is a threat nonetheless. With no yellow or red cards to be handed out, will this star continue his reign of terror or will his coach finally have to bench his ego for the sake of the whole team?

Owen conferencing with his coach about their strategy.

***This interviewer reserves the right to interpret all actions on the field as actual dialogue.

Friday's Lessons

I learned the following things this Friday. None of which I wanted to learn.

1. Our house is apparently built on a bit of a slope. At least I gathered that from the water running out from under the bathroom door, into the hallway and on its way to the laundry room. But, wait, I forgot my first lesson.

.5 A scream coming from a three year old located in your bathroom is probably not going to end well. Now we're back on track.

2. Though I thought that my three year old would know not to use half a roll of toilet paper in one bathroom session, this information is not intuitive as I supposed.

3. There is a valve located to the left of your toilet that you should immediately turn off when you see water spilling out of the toilet bowl.

4. You may be grateful for several things in your life and these items may change hourly. But, at least once in your life, you're going to be grateful for a plunger.

5. You may also be grateful to own a Hoover WetVac mop.

6. It's not easy to move your washing machine all by yourself (even if it is empty).

7. In your attempt to not immediately harm your child, should you send him upstairs, you will probably learn that the child was traumatized enough to not do as instructed which is to say put on underwear and pants.

8. This naked child will crawl on his bed for comfort.

9. That naked bum will probably not be clean even though half a roll was used in that very cleaning procedure.

10. You will now be washing a comforter from your child's bed.

Lessons learned. Really. All learned. Glad my New Year's resolution wasn't patience!