Friday, July 29, 2011

The Problem With Being a Doer

I am extremely task oriented. I love lists. I get a little bit giddy at the idea of crossing stuff off. Not that I'm to the point where I write something down just so I can cross it off, but pretty close to that point. I love to constantly evaluate what I've accomplished in my life each morning. Today, by 10 I had watered all the backyard plants and front yard plants, done a load of laundry--which involved stripping two beds, made our own bed, made and cleaned up breakfast for four, vacuumed the entire downstairs, cleaned up all the dirty dishes from last night and wiped all the counters, helped Owen read an entire book, prepared a dessert to bring to a surprise party and bought some needed hair products from the store across the street (not to mention showering myself and doing my hair and make-up as well as getting Eli dressed and doing the boy's hair).

All of this can be very rewarding, but it can also be very hard to stop. I can explain better by saying that sometimes when Derek comes home he wants to hug or hold me. Sometimes it is really hard for me to stop long enough to just be with him for the short time he wants. Isn't that sad? What a poor reflection on who I am. I am not trying to be insensitive, I just get these thoughts going and it's hard for me to stop doing.

Sometimes I lie in bed for hours at night creating to do lists in my mind. I don't want to do this and it does help me to write them down sometimes, but my mind just goes and I can't seem to stop it from telling me to do more tasks.

I think having a baby is such a great opportunity for me to be reminded to slow down and enjoy my life. I look at my kids and I think they are so wonderful. Each of them with a unique personality and talents. I love them so much and I want so much for each of them to reach their potential and I feel a lot of guilt that I'm not a better mom. Better at being patient, better at being creative, better at listening, bette at teaching, better at loving them in the ways they need to be loved.

One of the strongest feelings I have felt lately is that I need to stop being so concerned with the to dos and start being more concerned with loving and taking time. These kids are a greater blessing than I ever imagined possible and I don't want to get to a point where I feel like I really didn't get it--they are grown and I missed out on truly enjoying them.

I think this is a challenge for me to figure out, but with all the nursing I'll be doing, I'll have plenty of time to talk and just be. I hope I can make the most of it.


rachel said...

This is so true. It reminds me of Martha in the scriptures when Jesus was teaching mary and martha. I have the same struggles. Then when I do enjoy the moment and don't "do". I feel guilty for that also. I guess it's a life long quest to figure out when to just enjoy and when to get things done!I am so excited you are having a baby. It really does help to have something to stop and focus on. I have to say I have done that more with our fourth guy. More than I did with all of our others, because I think I know more how quickly it goes. So excited for you guys!

Lacey said...

It's definitely not easy and as mothers I think it's something you struggle with non-stop! Even while I'm nursing I find myself anxious to get up and get things done! Especially when you are stuck in one spot and all there is to do is evaluate what isn't being done around you! As if feeding a newborn isn't doing enough!! Good luck! I hope this weekend goes the way you would like and by Sunday you are holding your new baby! Love you!

Jessica Bradshaw said...

I've heard this called "Zen Parenting." Every grandparent I know loves having grandkids more than they did kids because they've finally realized how fleeting it all is, and they invest their time simply enjoying it all the more. ... Now, if only I could be the Zen Parent I want to be...<3 & hope you're doing well.

Annie said...

Wow reading your post made me tired! LOL! Here is the deal I will give you some of my laid back attitude and you give me some of your get up and GO! Hope all goes well tomorrow!

jayne said...

The whole time I was reading this I was thinking how much you must do when your nesting. And how maybe our first meeting should be you coming to Missouri with your lists of my closets to clean and crossing off until your heart is content! You could bring your kids and I could totally make them feel loved while you crossed off lists. See? Win win!

jayne said...

Wait. Are you having your baby tomorrow?! Yay! I love new babies. Strike my last post. You will be too busy nursing to clean my closets. It was worth a shot.

DONNA J. said...

After reading your blog, I am pretty sure that you're into the "heavy duty" nesting stage of your within 24 hours, you'll have that new little guy in your arms!!!

Great observations and congratulations on understanding this before you're 50!!! You're exactly correct!

Can't wait to see that new little guy!!

JenW said...

i totally sympathize with this! i have had days where i think, "look how much i got done today! that's awesome!" and then i remember that once this baby gets here the most important thing on my list will be making sure everyone is fed and maybe getting a shower:) i think it's fortunate that you realize that there are times to slow down and times to do more...and we are both entering a slow down phase which is a blessing and very beneficial:) i hope all went well today!