I am extremely task oriented. I love lists. I get a little bit giddy at the idea of crossing stuff off. Not that I'm to the point where I write something down just so I can cross it off, but pretty close to that point. I love to constantly evaluate what I've accomplished in my life each morning. Today, by 10 I had watered all the backyard plants and front yard plants, done a load of laundry--which involved stripping two beds, made our own bed, made and cleaned up breakfast for four, vacuumed the entire downstairs, cleaned up all the dirty dishes from last night and wiped all the counters, helped Owen read an entire book, prepared a dessert to bring to a surprise party and bought some needed hair products from the store across the street (not to mention showering myself and doing my hair and make-up as well as getting Eli dressed and doing the boy's hair).
All of this can be very rewarding, but it can also be very hard to stop. I can explain better by saying that sometimes when Derek comes home he wants to hug or hold me. Sometimes it is really hard for me to stop long enough to just be with him for the short time he wants. Isn't that sad? What a poor reflection on who I am. I am not trying to be insensitive, I just get these thoughts going and it's hard for me to stop doing.
Sometimes I lie in bed for hours at night creating to do lists in my mind. I don't want to do this and it does help me to write them down sometimes, but my mind just goes and I can't seem to stop it from telling me to do more tasks.
I think having a baby is such a great opportunity for me to be reminded to slow down and enjoy my life. I look at my kids and I think they are so wonderful. Each of them with a unique personality and talents. I love them so much and I want so much for each of them to reach their potential and I feel a lot of guilt that I'm not a better mom. Better at being patient, better at being creative, better at listening, bette at teaching, better at loving them in the ways they need to be loved.
One of the strongest feelings I have felt lately is that I need to stop being so concerned with the to dos and start being more concerned with loving and taking time. These kids are a greater blessing than I ever imagined possible and I don't want to get to a point where I feel like I really didn't get it--they are grown and I missed out on truly enjoying them.
I think this is a challenge for me to figure out, but with all the nursing I'll be doing, I'll have plenty of time to talk and just be. I hope I can make the most of it.
