Life with the Boys

When I found out I was having a third boy in a row, a friend of mine, whose family is composed identically to  mine (oldest is girl followed by three boys), looked at me with a twinkle in her eye and said, "Good luck!" Her youngest just got home from his mission, so she would know. At the time, I was pregnant and it seemed like it was all I could do just to get to my nap time every day. But, I think I'm beginning to understand a bit of what she's talking about.
Case in Point:
My boys have approximately 4.2 million Hot Wheels (no they are NOT Matchbox cars as Owen will clearly point out with obvious disdain for such an inferior product). They play with these cars not quite every day, but several times a week. Remember Pokemon? Well, it's Bakugan and Beyblades that are the American fascination with Japanese culture now. Trust me, I'm a mom to boys. We have oodles of Tinker toys as well. While you could probably construct cars or Ferris wheels or a tower from these Tinker toys, my boys only construct swords and "fighting rocket ships." We have a few beaded necklaces around the house that have broken and are now whipped around at a frantic pace as slings. We also have a backyard full of rocks that have been thrown in some sort of duel to the death from time to time.
My point being, my boys are a bit obsessed with the idea of fighting in the abstract as well as fighting in real life with each other. So, you would think that when I tell you that Eli had to have three stitches two weeks ago, you would probably guess it was a result of all of the "weapons" lying around our house. That seems to be the logical conclusion, but the truth of it is that he simply fell when he was walking up the stairs.

Yesterday his brother pushed him down with a huge bouncy ball and he braced the fall with his nose and the blood instantly poured out. I thought to myself, "Yep, this is life with boys." Not that girls don't push each other I'm sure, but with the boys the pushing and jumping and overall craziness is not usually done in anger. Owen didn't push Eli because he was mad at him. No, he pushed him because he was teasing him.
Case in Point:
Boys tease each other. Boys tease girls. Boys don't really know how to communicate unless they are teasing you. They think it's great fun and they don't understand why you wouldn't want to be teased about every little thing that you like or don't like. Boys especially enjoy teasing if they are older brothers. From what I hear, my husband was a HUGE tease in his family. He is the oldest brother in his family and he definitely makes sure our kids know how to take a joke. In fact, our kids are always trying to make up jokes. Some of them are hilarious and others don't make any sense, but they are always trying to find something to joke or tease about.

New Case in Point:
Boys love their moms. You hear that expression said in such a derogatory way, "He's such a Mama's boy," referencing some man who apparently isn't manly enough. However, being a mom to these little boys of mine, I have repeatedly whispered that phrase to each of them as babies, "You are Mama's boy." Eli still wants to marry me and asks me at least once a week, "Mom, can I be married to you?" I assure him he's going to find a great woman of his own to marry some day. Then she too can wear a "marry" ring like I have. These boys of mine, they love me dearly. When they want comfort and love they come to me and let me hold them. As I try to lift Owen in various circumstances I can't believe that this strong built boy used to easily fit in my arms. My how the time flies.

Last year a friend was talking about what a blessing daughters are to a mother. I didn't quite understand her exact meaning until she explained further, "Well, daughters take care of their parents when they are older. Sons go off and have to care for families of their own." I have thought about that a lot. It's true, these boys I'm raising, I'm instilling with the idea that they need to learn to be hard workers, so that they can take care of their own families some day.

It's part of God's plan that spouses cleave to one another. I understand for women that is different than for men. Women need other women's companionship which would obviously include their own mothers while men don't have that strong need. However, I hope that my boys can marry women who appreciate the time I took to help mold these sweet, little boys into the wonderful men they will someday be. And, when she needs a break from all the teasing, just send him home to see his Mom.

What Should I Have Done?

Today I went to lunch with a group of my girlfriends and their children. We love to go to Barro's (a local pizza chain) where there is a great play area for all of our kids to run around while we chat.
While we were talking, a dad showed up with his two boys who looked to be about ages three and four. They ate their pizza and then the boys started playing with each other while the dad read a book. Our children finished up their pizza and started to play in the same area as the boys. Well, things were fine, the kids were playing like kids do. Then, I noticed that one of the little boys was keeping the playhouse door shut, so that our kids couldn't go inside.
I calmly walked over and just said, "Hey, why don't we open the door, so all the kids can play?" I then walked away. Situation solved. I said it sugary sweet and the boy immediately opened the door for the other kids to play.
I wish I could say it stopped there or maybe the dad backed me up and said, "yes, let's share," or something equally supportive. Unfortunately, what happened next has made me feel nervous and worried all day.
The dad looked up from his book and in a very angry voice said, "Cole! Get over here right now!" I looked at the boy to see his reaction and there was this fear in his face that made me feel sick. I've not often seen kids in fear of their parents, but when you see such a look, it's impossible to not feel panic.
The child immediately walked over to his dad and his dad harshly barked, "What's wrong with you?" The boy just stood there and took it. The dad continued, "Sit down!" The boy crawled up into the bench facing his dad and his dad said again, "What's wrong with you?" The boy started to silently cry. The tears were pouring out of his eyes and his dad sat there glaring at him.
I've never been in a situation, to my knowledge, where I've gotten a child in trouble that I thought may result in physical or mental danger for a child. I felt absolutely terrible. I would've taken back my involvement in the whole thing right then if I could've. Sure, the little boy had been teasing the other kids, but did it really matter? Was it worth his being treated like this?
I was stewing, not knowing how to handle the situation when I heard the dad say, "You're going to get it when we get home." At that point, I felt that I had to go over and say something. So, I stood up and walked over to the table and leaned over to the dad and said, "Excuse me. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean for your son to get in trouble." He said, "Don't worry. If I would've seen it, he would've gotten in trouble from me just the same." I continued, "Really, it was no big deal. The kids weren't mad, I'm not mad. There's nothing to be upset about." The dad just continued to glare at his son and said, "Well, he knows better."
I walked back to my booth completely deflated and worried. For all I knew, I had further made the situation worse for this poor child when I was trying to make it better. The dad and boys quickly left and I don't think that the dad had changed his feelings at all. All I can hope is that he perhaps cooled down in the car.
What do you do about situations like this? How could I have made it better other than just not getting involved in the first place? I still feel sick about all of this.
It's also made me realize how careful I need to be when I speak to my own children. It's so easy to crush a child's self esteem with hateful words and looks. Sometimes I speak in haste when I'm angry and I can see it hurts Ryanna's feelings. I always try to apologize and follow up with a hug and a talk, but still. That old phrase, "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Don't buy it. We are all affected by what people say to us whether it's spoken with kindness or malice.
I wonder if that dad realizes the fear his voice brought into the face of his son? I never, EVER want my child to look at me that way. I never want my children to fear me. I never want them to think that I could even contemplate hurting them intentionally. Situations like this serve as a good reminder that our children are relying on us to feel safe. If we can't provide that safe haven for them when they are little, where do they go when they are older? Who fills that void inside them?
Even though my intervention was done with kindness and good intent, I'm left feeling really hollow about the whole thing. From now on, I'm going to let kids work out their own problems unless someone is being hurt. I just could've never forseen a reaction like this and I certainly don't want to see another.

That's the Good Stuff

Yesterday, after having gone through several boxes, (I am still unpacking) I was taking a break when Ryanna asked me, "Mom, can I go play in the sprinklers outside?" I was about to open my mouth and say, "no," when it dawned on me. Yes, yes, she can go outside and run through my very own sprinkler, that I own, on my very own grass, that I own, in my backyard that is completely fenced in. That fence--I own it too!

So, I sent her upstairs to put on her swimsuit, so she could go and run through the sprinklers in the backyard. She had a blast. She just kept running back and forth and back and forth. It seemed a bit tedious really, but she had fun. I even let Owen crawl around on the patio area. He was in close enough range that the sprinkler would get him too and he loved it. He didn't love it more than the tasty looking rocks that were nearby, but he was entertained as well.

I went inside to get something and on my way back outside, I could see my kids in the yard and it just looked so idyllic. I stopped for a second and thought, this is it. This is what Derek and I have worked so hard to achieve. We wanted a house with a yard for our kids to play in and now we have it. We are so blessed. I was filled with such happiness and I thought, "Wow, I love this!"

Oh yeah, that first paragraph wasn't completely honest. The bank actually owns all of this stuff, but they don't care that I live here and do what I want. It's a great arrangement.